


Drivers License

by HidingBehindAGlassWall



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Break Up, F/F, First Love, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death (minor character), Implied/Referenced Drug Use, This is really sad I won't lie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:07:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28843581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HidingBehindAGlassWall/pseuds/HidingBehindAGlassWall
Summary: Toni feels her heart jolt painfully as she passes by that turning on her way home.That turning for that road she used to drive down. She feels an ache thrum through her, remembering that unmistakable feeling of tarmac giving way to gravel as she made her way down that driveway. Towards that house she’d once called home.Towards that girl.------Cheryl broke up with Toni before leaving for college. And even all these years later it still hurts.It really fucking hurts.
Relationships: Cheryl Blossom/Toni Topaz
Comments: 8
Kudos: 26





	Drivers License

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!
> 
> Soooo, I know I know, Luce new fic without finishing your others, talk about avoiding responsabilities amirite?  
> Look I get it. 
> 
> But, the thing is, a couple weeks ago I went through a very very shitty break up (not my decision lolll) and so I've kinda been stuck in a state of not being able to do anything than cry. And then THAT song came out like two days later and I was like haha hearing all my current emotions sung to me by a beautiful voice, I'm in Spain but without the S ya know?  
> And so I ended up writing this, I guess as a 'haha luce this really fucking sucks lets write down your feelings' thing to the tune of drivers license.
> 
> So yeah, I know I have other stuff, I haven't forgotten, but I really needed this, so...
> 
> Have 14.6k words of me venting my emotional pain in perhaps the most vulnerable, open, honest, self analystic thing I've ever written, and probably will ever write.
> 
> Feeling kinda apprehensive about sharing this ngl, I don't really do sharing feelings, but here ya go, have my emotions and thoughts laid bare before you.
> 
> As always comments and kudos and such of the like make my heart happy, and ngl I kinda need that rn!
> 
> Luce 
> 
> Twitter: @TheNigelTopaz

Toni feels her heart jolt painfully as she passes by  _ that _ turning on her way home. 

_ That _ turning for  _ that _ road she used to drive down. She feels an ache thrum through her, remembering  _ that _ unmistakable feeling of tarmac giving way to gravel as she made her way down  _ that _ driveway. Towards  _ that _ house she’d once called home.

Towards  _ that _ girl.

_ That _ girl who had owned her heart. Who, in spite of the fact it now laid crushed and shattered beyond repair at the hands of said girl,  _ still _ owned her heart.

Cheryl Blossom.

Cheryl, who still plagued her mind even all those years after the redhead had decided that her time with Toni was to come to an end. 

Cheryl, who’d made the decision that Toni accepting a full scholarship to NYU - even in spite of her originally urging her to do so - whilst she studied at Highsmith meant distance between them, and thus was the beginning of an inevitable end. An end that the redhead had swiftly brought to fruition only moments after said decision by stating that she couldn’t deal with said distance. 

Cheryl who’d, rather clinically, told Toni she’d sooner an amicable break than the inevitable, ugly, messy end in which they grew further and further apart until they barely featured in each other's lives, and there was more pain and guilt than there was joy. 

It was Cheryl who’d said college was the perfect time for them to _‘go find themselves.’_ That that’s what she needed, _wanted._ To go find herself. That in order to do as such she couldn’t deal with the _‘responsibility of a relationship.’_ She’d told a sobbing Toni that she needed to go and figure herself out, and that was something she _‘needed to do alone.’_ Cheryl had said she _‘needed to be selfish and focus on herself’_ and didn’t want to bring Toni pain by _‘not having enough time for her,’_ and not wanting to _‘deal with the guilt’_ of such. She’d said her mental health was too low after all she’d endured to give Toni what she deserved, to be someone who was _‘more than all take.’_ That Cheryl could no longer provide what a relationship, _what_ _Toni,_ needed. That Cheryl didn’t see them as viable and worth the effort required. That ‘ _keeping you in my life,’_ wasn’t worth it. 

It had been Cheryl who’d decided their end and brought their relationship to a close. 

And it’d been Toni whose heart had been left shattered. 

It’d been Toni who’d valiantly tried to fight a battle they both knew was unwinnable. Tried to fight with all she had for a relationship that was decidedly over, and not by her choice. Tried to fight for a heart already removed from her grasp.

It had been Cheryl who had effectively pulled the  _ ‘it’s not you, it’s me,’ _ and Toni who’d been helpless to do anything other than accept that the girl she’s in love with hadn’t wanted this anymore. Hadn’t wanted  _ her _ anymore. 

Cheryl had made the decision that Toni wasn’t important enough to her to be featured in this new life she desired to create, to be allowed to know the new person she wanted to become. It’d been Cheryl who’d walked away from her, walked away from  _ them, _ and left Toni behind in the dust. 

It’d been Cheryl who had said she’d needed to  _ ‘do this for my own sake,’ _ both of them knowing that there wasn’t anything Toni wouldn’t do for Cheryl. This sentiment apparently including being kicked to the curb and being forced to accept that Cheryl wanted to figure herself out, find who she really was, and that wasn’t someone that involved Toni.

It’d all been Cheryl. 

As in a sense it always had been, because Toni’s world had revolved around her since the moment they met. 

It’d been all about Cheryl’s needs and wants and Toni dutily fulfilling them as always. Even until the very end, being forced to do so one last time, even when it shattered her own heart and caused her no end of anguish in the process. She’d never been able to say no to Cheryl, and she’d found herself unable to say no even then. 

But then again how could she have? What more was there she could have done? She’d tried her hardest to fight for her, for  _ them, _ but when that was to no avail, Cheryl having made her decision that she didn’t want Toni anymore. What then? Say no? Tell Cheryl she had to stay with her? That she wasn’t  _ allowed _ to break up with her? It was clearly what Cheryl wanted and Toni had been helpless to do anything other than accept that what Cheryl wanted wasn’t her.

And it’s as she drives past  _ that _ turning for  _ that _ road she feels  _ that _ feeling of utter heartbreak arise. As it did everytime she drove down this road, everytime she was forced to drive past  _ that _ turning. It’s as she passes by  _ that _ road leading to  _ that _ house, that the tragedy of her life presents itself all too readily once again in her chest.

And it hurt.

Cheryl had wanted to be free of them, of  _ her. _ She no longer sought out Toni’s tender touch, no longer desired her plump lips, no longer tuned her ears to her soft whisperings of love. Cheryl no longer craved her. No longer needed her, no longer  _ wanted _ her. For a reason Toni knew of only all too well.

And it really  _ fucking _ hurt.

See the thing is, every individual suffers from their own specific heartbreak. Every soul has a reason for its crack. It’s a notion that’s universal, and yet so painfully unique, so woefully personal. Each soul’s heartbreak is it’s own burden to bear in isolation. Each situation so complexly unique. Yes there may be someone with a suffering akin to that of anothers on the surface, but encased within its depths of circumstance and context, woven between layers of other factors and knowledge, each individual's heartbreak is theirs and theirs alone. 

Everyone has that  _ thing _ about them. The part of them that is just so gut wrenchingly, profoundly, utterly,  _ sad. _ The reasoning for the painful glint in their eye and the sorrow in their heart. The thing that holds them back or presses down on their chest in an invisible weight. The thing that binds them like an invisible string clamping down on their soul. 

There are different types of heartbreak, each holding their own torment in a unique way. Some are possibilities - whether taken or not - perhaps an opportunity missed out on, or one taken and the consequences of the aftermath. Perhaps a dream unable to be fulfilled, maybe wanting to leave and never being able to, or perhaps instead, leaving and the wake left behind.

Some are physical, perhaps an injury or accident, maybe a loss - either of something, someone, or a place of meaning, a home perhaps. 

And then there are those whose individual heartbreak comes in the form of a word, a notion or sentiment if you will: ‘almost’, ‘maybe,’ ‘what if’. ‘We  _ almost _ were,’ _ ‘maybe if _ he didn’t leave’,  _ ‘what if _ she loved me back?’

Toni Topaz was one of those people. 

Because the pain that Toni endured, her own individual heartbreak, the thing that lurks in the deepest, most protected parts of her soul, causing no end of torment and anguish, the thing that makes Toni Topaz’s heart  _ ache, _ is a notion. A notion that presents itself in the form of a single word. 

One word.

Two syllables.

Six letters. 

Said like that it seemed insignificant really. How could something formed of merely six letters have the ability to hold so much power?

Yet it was a single word that held inside of it the root of all Toni’s doubt, all her torment, all the anguish rife within the very fibres of her being. A single word that crippled her very essence, that plagued even the darkest corners of her soul. 

One word.

Two syllables.

Six letters.

_ Enough. _

On the surface it’s just a word. A simple two syllables. A miniscule six letters. An adverb spoken daily without second thought.

But to Toni, that single word held more hurt, more  _ damage _ within her soul, than anyone else would ever know or be able to fully comprehend. 

To Toni it wasn’t just a word, it wasn’t just a notion. 

It was the very reason her heart  _ ached. _

All her life Toni had been tormented by said word. It followed her round like a shadow, like a fog seeping into every crack of her life, taking root and  _ clinging. _

Because all her life, Toni Topaz had been told,  _ shown, _ that although it was but one word, two syllables, six letters,  _ enough _ was not something she would ever be. 

The universe had first shown her when 3 year old Toni wasn’t enough to stop her Father from leaving for his new love. 

She’d been reminded over and over in the following years when her mother’s constant neglect in favour of her struggle with drugs proved she wasn’t enough to get clean for. 

Life had cruelly told her, when she’d come home from school aged seven to find her mom overdosed in the front room, that she wasn’t enough to try and live for. 

Her family had reminded her after being shipped off to her Uncle’s - despite his weeks long protests beforehand - that she wasn’t enough to want to take in. 

Said Uncle had drunkenly spat in her face as much, day after day, screaming in her face for years that for countless reasons, enough was not something she’d amount to be. 

FP crowning Jughead as the new King right in front of her served as a stark reminder that despite her blood, despite her legacy and all she’d done for the Serpents, she’d never be considered enough for them either. 

And then she’d met  _ her. _

This fiery redheaded bombshell had sauntered into her life in those cherry red soles and Toni’s heart had been enraptured by her.

Cheryl Marjorie Blossom.

Cheryl Blossom, who’d stolen Toni’s heart with but a glance at the drag race all those years ago, encasing it in her pale palms  in such a way the pink haired girl couldn’t retrieve it from her ownership, even now. 

Cheryl, who’d lavished Toni with affection and love, care and nurture, and had made her believe she  _ deserved _ it. Cheryl, who had lulled her into a sense of security and safety. Cheryl, whose fingers had carressed her skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake as they committed every freckle, every scar to memory. Cheryl, whose lips had danced decadently against her own, sometimes languidly as if they had all the time in the world, sometimes fleeting, chaste pecks, and sometimes in fiery moments of passion and lust. Cheryl, whose hushed murmurs and sworn promises uttered in the quiet of the night had engraved themselves on her heart in a perfect cherry stamp. 

Cheryl, who’d shown her that maybe,  _ just maybe, _ the universe had given up with its game of ripping things from her, of cruelly making her believe she was destined to be less than. Cheryl who’d made her believe, that perhaps after all, this little pink haired girl from the wrong side of the tracks could be  _ enough. _

That maybe that one word, those two syllables, those six letters,  _ perhaps _ they were finally something Toni could be.

And then it had all come crashing down. 

Because after everything they’d endured, after all the whispered promises and their dreams of the future, after teaching her what it was to be loved and to  _ be in love, _ after promising Toni that she was  _ enough, _ Cheryl had ripped it all away from her as fate inevitably caught up with her. With  _ them. _ That one word once again looming over her and reminding her of its existence. 

One word.

Two syllables

Six letters.

The word that Cheryl hadn’t said that fateful night, but hadn’t needed to. Toni had heard it loud and clear, riddled between her attempts to concoct sentiments of  _ ‘it’s not you it’s me.’ _

One word.

Two syllables.

Six letters.

_ Enough. _

Cheryl no longer deemed her to be  _ enough. _

And then she’d made a swift exit from her life, taking Toni’s heart with her.

And it’s not that Toni hadn’t fought for Cheryl, for  _ them. _ Because she had, valiantly so. But in the end she’d known there was nothing more to be done. Because Toni had been here time and time again. Because she knew that, yet again, no matter what she said, no matter the sobs wracking her body, no matter how she begged, how she  _ pleaded _ to be, she simply wasn’t going to be  _ enough. _

She wasn’t going to be enough to make Cheryl see they could make the distance work. Not enough to make the girl she loved realise that she could help Cheryl find herself. Not enough to show the girl who owned her heart that she could assist her in this soul-searching venture, that she could support her and be there for her, as she always had been. 

No, the second those words left cherry-red stained lips, Toni had known, just like always, the world was cruelly reminding her once again, that one word, those two syllables, those six letters would find her no matter how safe she thought she was. 

That  _ enough _ wouldn’t ever be something she would be deemed to be.

That’d been years ago.

Years since she’d watched Cheryl flee the town of Riverdale off to Highsmith, mere days before Toni’s own departure to New York. 

Years since she’d stood opposite the girl who held her heart and fought with every remaining piece of her soul, only to be left with it in tatters. 

Years since, in spite of everything, Toni fought gallantly in a battle that was lost before it had even begun. 

Years since Cheryl had practically told her outright that she wasn’t important enough to the redhead to want to keep around as she figured herself out. That their relationship, that  _ she, _ had been reduced to nothing more than a pressure Cheryl wanted to be relieved from.

Years since Cheryl had resigned Toni to the universe's cruel fate, that in spite of promises that she was, Toni wasn’t  _ enough _ for her anymore.

It’d been years since Cheryl had left, it’d been one since Toni had finished her psychology degree and graduated from NYU, with flawless grades of course, and found herself back in Riverdale gaining some social work experience. Hoping it was the beginning step of the ladder to begin her career as a fully fledged therapist specialising in helping children, or more specifically underprivileged children. Plus she’d taken over as Serpent Queen, so there was that too.

It’s been years, yet the wound remains as fresh as when it was first created. 

It’s been years, and yet it still hurts.

It still  _ really fucking hurts. _

One word. 

Two syllables. 

Six letters.

Something Cheryl had decided she no longer considered Toni to be.

It’s been  _ years, _ and yet Toni’s heart still aches as she passes by  _ that _ turning to  _ that _ road leading to  _ that _ house she’d used to call home. Where she’d lived with  _ that _ girl whom her heart, to this day, still called home.

Toni feels tears begin to spill as  _ that _ turning fades into the background behind her, just as she’d faded into the background of Cheryl’s life. 

_ That _ turning hadn’t been used in a long time for  _ that _ house had laid empty for years, Nanna Rose departing this world had left an immovable ache, just as had Cheryl’s departure from her life. 

Her cheeks dampen as she shakes her head slightly, willing her focus back to the road.  _ That house _ was empty. Cheryl wasn’t there. As much as she wished she was, the person her heart longed for wasn’t around. She was off being this new her, living her fancy new life in Chicago with her new girlfriend.

Oh yeah,  _ that was a thing. _

Cheryl’s heart belonged to another, whilst Toni’s still belonged to her.

In spite of all traces of Cheryl being cleared from Toni’s life, save for memories to painfully reminisce with, she was still aware of the redhead. Cheryl’s hold on her was not something that had ever wavered, as much as Toni had begged it to. She supposes that’s what they say about first loves, that they never truly leave you, that the imprint left behind on one's heart would reside there forever.

And in Toni’s case she’s more than starkly aware, considering the cherry shaped engravement on hers, that what they say just might be true. 

Cheryl’s presence has never been truly eliminated from her life, even if reduced to but a tiny slither of indirect social media activity, popping up to torment Toni of all she’d once had, and all she might’ve one day had. Of all the possibilities that had departed along with Cheryl. It wasn’t often her ex’s new life was brought to her awareness, a post or picture appearing every once in a while onto Toni’s own timeline with the notification that someone she was friends with had commented on or liked it, sometimes even a comment penned by the redhead’s own hand appeared underneath her friend’s posts.

From the fleeting insights into her new life, it would seem that Cheryl had managed to find whatever it was that she’d been looking for. She’d become that person she’d been searching to be. She’s a lawyer now, or rather in the process of becoming one, and there was a new owner of her heart, a new receiver of her love. Some tall, blonde girl that looked as if she’d waltzed right out from the latest edition of Vogue. Born into a class and world akin to Cheryl’s own, with a surname holding as much gravitas as the Blossom heiress’s. Keira? Karen? Kimberly? Something like that.

_ It was Katherine, of the renowned Blake family. Katherine, of which was often shortened to ‘Kate’ by Cheryl - she’d always had an affliction for nicknames after all.  _

_ Toni knows all of this. She wishes she didn’t, but she does. _

Toni wishes she didn’t know of Cheryl’s  _ perfect _ girlfriend and their  _ fancy _ getaways and  _ extravagant _ lives brimming with  _ decadence _ and  _ luxury. _ She wishes she had no knowledge of the fact they’d spent  _ that _ specific date, once belonging to her and Cheryl alone, at Katherine’s,  _ Kate’s, _ family lodge. She yearned not to know they’d sipped champagne whilst filling instagram with photos looking like they belonged on the pages of a magazine, littered with comments from just about everyone saying how  _ perfect _ they are for each other. 

Toni pleaded with the universe to allow her to be blissfully unaware of their  _ lavish _ apartment with their  _ designer _ decor and how they were living the life comparable to the  _ sheer epitome of glamour. _ How she prayed not to witness Cheryl’s  _ perfect _ new life with this  _ perfect _ woman who now had ownership of Cheryl’s heart and the  _ perfect _ high-life of  _ grandeur, _ of  _ riches _ and  _ extravagance _ and  _ wealth _ they lived.  _ Together. _ How she wished to remain oblivious to cherry red smiles and lips pressed to the,  _ undoubtedly, _ velvety smooth skin of a cheek that didn’t belong to Toni.

This woman was everything that Toni’s insecurities prayed on her with, everything the demons inside her head sneered that she never had been and never would be. This  _ perfect _ woman,  _ Katherine, _ was giving Cheryl the life Toni never had the opportunity to. The life she’d gotten to experience for a fleeting moment during her time with Cheryl. The life the redhead had sworn to her that Toni deserved, and that she’d willingly,  _ gladly _ provide her. 

No, it was Katherine who had come along and now they two lived their lives filled with  _ lavish, excessive fancy, _ filled with champagne and dinner parties and mutual understandings of an equal upbringing into the same socioeconomic class and surname renown. 

Toni willed her thoughts to return to the winding roads of Riverdale and the thrumming engine of her bike, but ultimately remained helpless to her mind's cruel ministrations, toying with her that this new love of Cheryl’s couldn’t be a starker contrast to her own self. 

This new love who was clearly  _ enough _ for Cheryl. 

This blonde woman, Katherine,  _ Kate, _ now had possession of Cheryl’s heart, and was clearly providing her ex with something that she couldn’t. 

Clearly offering something to Cheryl that Toni hadn’t. 

Because that had to be it right? 

What else was there? The woman she loved had gone on a journey of self discovery and found Katherine along the way, considering her worthy enough to give her a place in the world of this new, improved Cheryl Blossom. A world that Toni had been told had no place for a relationship.

A world that had no place for her _. _

It was Katherine that’d been deemed worthy enough to feature in Cheryl’s life. Deemed important enough to be considered acceptable company for this newly ‘figured out’ Cheryl. The one that Toni had helped build the foundations of, had first introduced the notions of love and nurture, of compassion and empathy to. The Cheryl that’d long since left the horrors of Riverdale behind, left Toni behind. 

It was Katherine who got to know what it was to be that one word. 

Those two syllables. 

Those six letters.

It was Katherine who was everything that Toni was not.

It was Katherine who got to know what it was like to be enough.

Enough for Cheryl Blossom.

Toni feels more tears roll down her cheeks under her helmet as she shakes her head slightly, trying to dislodge these thoughts from her mind. But how could she? How could she ignore the pain that had been there for years now? The anguish that Cheryl had left behind in her wake of broken promises. The torment rife within Toni’s soul as she’s reminded once again of  that one word, those two syllables, those six letters. That she hadn’t been enough for Cheryl to want her. 

She hadn’t been enough for Cheryl to deem her important enough to keep around. 

As she leaves  _ that _ turning for  _ that _ road to  _ that _ house in the distance behind her, Toni’s heart  _ aches. _ It thrums with pain and iciness, yearning for a person that never again would it have.

She’d tried dating new people, a few one night stands and flings, even an attempt at a full on relationship, but no one compared to Cheryl. No matter how sweet or beautiful, how charming or kind, no one came close to filling up the gaping hole in her heart. 

She’d tried to move on, but how could Toni ever love someone else? 

How, when Cheryl still had such an iron clad grasp on her heart, could she ever place it in anyone else’s hold? 

Cheryl had given her heart, her  _ soul, _ what it had been desperate to feel, and in turn it had seared a cherry shaped stamp on itself. It had been Cheryl’s for the taking, and the redhead had done so gladly, but even as of now, was yet to give it back. So how could she ever love someone else? How could Toni ever give her love to anyone else? How could she allow someone else into her life when, even all these years later, that cherry shaped stamp was still as prominent as when it was first engraved.

And oh how it hurt.

_ It really fucking hurt. _

And yes Toni knows they hadn’t been perfect. They’d been through more than their fair share of horrors together, there had been rough times and spats, and not forgetting the whole Heathers debacle. 

But wasn’t that the point? 

That perfection wasn’t a real thing anyway? 

Yes okay, they might not have been this unobtainable thing, but they’d built their relationship up together, brick by brick, bit by bit, strength by strength, to create something beautiful, something made from determination and patience. 

Their love was one forged from understanding and compassion, of those little intimate moments, of fingertips tracing over skin and lips pressing against each other. They’d built each other up piece by piece. Helped carve each other out with trust and patience. Held each other through moments of insecurity. Whispered promises of forever to each other under the illumination of the moon. They’d balanced moments of tranquility and peace, of craved security and serenity, with bursts of chaos and fiery passion, heated moments of sheer desire and lust. 

They’d put in their all. 

Every fibre of their beings, every shred of their hearts, every aspect of their souls was willingly and gladly given over to their relationship, to each other, to  _ them. _

They hadn’t been perfect, not some textbook romance watched by audiences as two hearts intertwine and everything miraculously falls into place, but fuck they’d been spectacular. 

_ Sensational. _

They’d shown each other all these things that neither of them had known before. Toni had taught Cheryl what it was to open up, to reveal her honest, raw, unfalsified emotions, to be vulnerable and let people in. She’d shown her what it was to be truly cared about, for someone to genuinely show interest in her, to show her compassion, to show her she had worth for simply who she was. She’d supported her through situations that quite frankly belonged in novels residing on the horror section of library shelves. There, quite literally, wasn't anything Toni hadn’t done for her.

And in turn Cheryl had provided Toni with security, with safety. She’d shown her what it was to have nurture, that finally someone had her back and no longer did she have to face the world alone. Cheryl had taught her that she had value, that she was more than some stereotype, more than the life it was assumed she’d live. She’d made Toni believe that she was deserving of good things, that she was important, that she had a voice just as those around her. 

Toni had never felt that way before from anyone. 

She’d never had these feelings of being wanted, being valued, being important. She’d never known what it was for someone to look out for her, to have someone on her side. She’d never had soft, tender moments balanced out with burning fiery fits of passion.

She’d never had anyone make her feel anything close to how Cheryl had, and she knows it’s likely that she never would again.

Cheryl Blossom had been the only person ever in her life to show Toni Topaz what it was to be that one word.

Those two syllables.

Those six letters.

Enough.

Her love with Cheryl was a once in a lifetime kind of thing, of that much she was certain. 

So how could she ever love someone else? 

As the tires of her bike meet the tarmac of the winding road, Toni sighs heavily, remembering those times Cheryl had told her forever. All the times she’d told Toni she was the most important person in her life, all those times she’d told her if her future wasn’t with Toni she didn't want it. 

And yet, there she was, Toni gone from her life. 

Gone from that future they’d always spoken about, missing from dreams they’d envisioned. Rendered to be nothing but a ghost of the past. 

And yet there the redhead was, perfectly happy. 

Toni can’t imagine how Cheryl could be so okay now she was gone from her life.

It fills her with sorrow to bare witness to her clearly having moved on and forgotten about the relationship, the woman, that she’d sworn she’d cherish for a lifetime. Cheryl had told her Toni was all she wanted in her life, and then one day she’d turned around and removed her from it and not looked back. And now she’s doing okay. 

_ Cheryl is doing okay without her. _

And Toni’s left dealing with the tattered remains of her heart.

And it hurts.

They say your first love sticks with you. They say it is held in a special place in your heart for all eternity, that whilst time may heal, for your first love, time won’t make you forget. Toni scoffs. That may be what the tales of old say, but they clearly didn’t apply to Cheryl.

No, Cheryl Blossom had moved on with her new life and she was doing perfectly okay without Toni in it.

It really hurts.

Toni blinks harshly, hoping to stop the fall of anymore tears, wondering if her squeezing her eyelids closed to create a barrier against them could also squeeze the pain from her heart.

_ Apparently not.  _

Because as fresh tears roll down her cheeks, the pain in her heart simply grows heavier.

_ It really fucking hurts. _

And if she’s honest with herself Toni’s not entirely sure  _ why. _

She was supposed to be used to this by now. She was supposed to be strong and unphased, resilient to all that the universe threw at her. She’d been shown all her life she wasn’t enough, Cheryl had basically informed her as such back during the whole Heathers fiasco anyway. Acting as if she’d meant nothing to her, shunning her and threatening her to remove all traces of herself from the school, from Cheryl’s life, with that HBIC attitude they’d all hoped was gone to never reappear. She’s been here before, countless times, including with Cheryl, of that much she’d starkly aware. So why did this feel different? 

Was it because this wasn’t the first time Cheryl had made her feel like she was dispensable? Was it because it had all come seemingly out of nowhere? After all, they’d been crowned prom queens only weeks prior. Toni can still pull to focus the cherished memory of their bodies intertwined, spinning gracefully before the eyes of their peers, Cheryl’s eyes brimming with nothing but joy and sheer adoration for the girl encased within her hold. 

But as Toni wills her focus to stay on the otherwise empty road, as she tries to turn her attention to the thrum of her bike’s engine, the feel of the air against her skin, she admits to herself that she knows the reason why. 

The reason why the raw, unfiltered hurt in her chest is so prominent. 

It’s because she’d  _ believed _ her. 

She’d believed Cheryl’s whispered promises that  _ that _ one word,  _ those _ two syllables,  _ those _ six letters did apply to her after all.

She’d believed Cheryl all those times she’d told Toni of her importance. She’d believed her when she’d apologised for her previous mistakes and told Toni she’d never allow anything like that to happen again. She’d believed the promises whispered into her ear as fingers danced on her skin and lips pressed against her own. She’d believed her when Cheryl had held her  _ that night, _ tears flowing down her face, as Toni had recounted tales of her past, opening up the most vulnerable parts of her. 

Cheryl had sworn to her she wasn’t broken, that she wasn’t damaged, she’d promised her she was worthy and loved, that she had value and that she deserved more. 

That she  _ was enough. _

Cheryl had  _ promised _ her.

And Toni had  _ believed _ her. 

Clearly that was a mistake. 

Toni wasn’t one to wallow in self pity, she was more of a ‘deal with it and get over it’ kind of person. She guesses she had to be otherwise, with all she’d endured in her life so far, she’d have been consumed by her emotions many years ago. But right now, after being reminded yet again by  _ that _ turning for  _ that _ road, leading towards  _ that _ house that was no longer her home and  _ that _ girl who had crushed her heart, Toni allows her pain to be felt in its entirety. Yes it’d been years, but her anguish, the torment within her heart, well, it felt like it’d been born just yesterday.

And it really,  _ really _ fucking hurt.

Toni sought out love in every aspect of her life, and she thought she’d finally found it in Cheryl Blossom. A bitter laugh escapes her,  _ apparently not. _

She guesses that Cheryl had never meant what she’d said. That those promises, those sworn sentiments, those murmerings late at night that she was something special, were as hollow as Toni now felt. She guesses that Cheryl lied when she’d breathed oaths of her meaning to Cheryl’s heart against Toni’s neck. When she’d pledged that she meant something to her. That she was  _ enough. _

She guesses that all those moments that Toni had cherished in her heart hadn’t been felt in the same way by Cheryl. She guesses that those promises were comments made whilst caught up in moments. 

Because she hadn’t meant them, had she? 

No, how could she have? 

How could Cheryl have meant all those things she’d said to Toni and still do what she did? 

Cheryl can’t have meant them, and Toni won’t,  _ can’t, _ allow herself to believe otherwise. Because if Cheryl had meant them, if Cheryl had sincerely, honestly meant every word she’d said, well then that makes what she’d done all the more painful. 

Because that alludes to the fact that at some point Cheryl had stopped meaning them. That Toni had stopped being enough, that Cheryl had stopped deeming her important enough, worthy enough. And she thinks that just might be worse than never having been those things at all. 

No, Cheryl had lied, those promises she’d made had been empty, she’d never meant the words she’d spoken, she can’t have.

Except she had. 

Toni knows she had. 

She knows there had been a time Cheryl had meant every word she’d said, because Cheryl Blossom is not someone who utters words of such gravitas without having full sincerity in each and every word she speaks. Words voiced with such articulation, such profoundness, such care to their definitions, they can’t have been spoken without true intent. And it pains Toni’s heart so, because it means that her fears become reality. 

Cheryl had meant it when she’d sworn that  _ finally _ that word was something that applied to her.

That for but a fleeting moment, she truly was everything that she’d yearned to be, and then at some point, she wasn’t anymore.

_ Cheryl had meant it. _

One word.

Two syllables.

Six letters.

Enough.

And it really fucking hurts.

Toni finds herself unable to refrain from allowing her mind to return to  _ that _ turning to  _ that _ road, leading towards  _ that _ house once inhabited by herself and  _ that _ girl. She can’t help but remember those times when she and Cheryl had driven down this road together, either in the infamous Impala or on the very bike Toni was sitting astride now. Cheryl’s arms wrapped tightly around her waist, clinging tightly to her as they relished in the feeling of being so close whilst the wind whipped around them. But that was all gone now. 

Cheryl had told her forever, and yet here Toni was, driving past  _ that _ street, alone. 

Toni’s tried to get over her. She really,  _ truly _ has, but it would seem that Cheryl Blossom is not someone one simply ‘gets over.’ 

It’s been years, and just when Toni thinks she’s finally over the girl who shattered her heart, just when she thinks her defenses are reconstructed and armour in place, something reminds her of Cheryl and everything comes crashing down once again. 

She’s lost count of the amount of times Veronica’s wrapped her up in her arms whilst she’s clinged to her and sobbed. 

In truth, she’d been a godsend in all this.

They’d both ended up attending colleges in NYC with Veronica attending Columbia for Business, as was to be expected really, and Toni at NYU, and so they’d ended up moving into the Lodge’s NYC penthouse apartment together.

It had taken a lot of persistence and persuasion on Veronica’s part, even Hermione and Hiram stepping in with imploring comments about not wanting their daughter to live alone and they’d rather her have someone they all knew there. Toni being Toni didn’t want to accept handouts or easy rides, but after she’d made Veronica swear to let her pay at least some rent towards bills etc, the apartment itself was owned outright by the Lodges after all, Toni had caved.  _ That _ and she wasn’t naive, no, Toni was more than aware that when a Lodge extends an offer like that, you take it.

For the most part it’d been great and she’d found herself finally beginning to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. But every now and then, something reminded her of the red headed bombshell and the fixed pieces broke all over again. 

Veronica had held her for  _ hours _ whilst she’d cried over something so seemingly miniscule as seeing something with a cherry on or opening the fridge to see  _ those _ cans of  _ that _ drink that her and Cheryl had sipped together on  _ that _ beach on  _ that _ road trip. Needless to say, Veronica had never bought them again. Veronica had held her night after night, soothed her on the bad days, continuously checked in.

In a way, Veronica’s had her own secondhand heartbreak from all she’d witnessed of Toni. It’s only natural considering the countless hours she’d spent holding someone she considers family as cries akin to that of a wounded animal, guttural,  _ heart wrenching _ sobs, tore through Toni’s body until she finally fell asleep in her arms, utterly exhausted. 

Toni had pleaded with her,  _ begged her, _ asking what more she could have done, what it would have taken to make Cheryl want to stay. 

Asking why she wasn’t  _ enough. _

And Veronica had felt her own heart shatter each and every time that question fell from Toni’s lips, for she had no answer. She had no answer as to why Cheryl had effectively told Toni she wasn’t important enough to feature in the new life she wanted to create for herself, why she’d made Toni feel that she wasn’t worthy to know the person Cheryl wanted to become. 

Veronica didn’t know because to her, there was no answer as to why. There was no reason, because Toni  _ was _ enough. 

Toni always had been enough. 

She knows Toni had never seen it until Cheryl had shown her, never believed it until the red headed bombshell had whispered it into her ear like some kind of alluring siren. But to her, Toni had always been enough. Except now when she told her as much, when she pleaded for her to understand that she was, Toni couldn’t believe her. She couldn’t accept it, couldn’t understand it. More tears would fall whilst pleading that if that were true, then why did Cheryl leave her? 

Cheryl had shattered not only Toni’s heart, but also her  _ trust. _

And it killed Veronica to see, because Toni deserved the world, deserved everything good that it had to offer, and there had been a time, thanks to Cheryl, that she’d believed it.

And now, thanks to Cheryl, she didn’t. 

Thanks to Cheryl Blossom, Toni had had a taste of what it felt like to be enough, and thanks to Cheryl Blossom, Veronica feared that Toni would never believe herself able to feel that way again.

When Toni had moved back to Riverdale after graduation, she was more than surprised when Veronica had followed. Toni having assumed she would stay in NYC, but Veronica had explained what with her father getting sicker by the month and missing the quaintness of small town life she was eager to return. Plus she’d decided she’d left Pop’s and La Bonne Nuit in the hands of others for too long and also wanted to develop plans for expanding them both into somewhat of a chain across surrounding areas. 

As she continues along the roads of Riverdale, Toni smiles as she remembers how much of a rock the Lodge heiress has been, a particular noteworthy moment being when they’d first arrived back here. When they’d driven down this very road she was on now, more specifically when they’d passed  _ that _ turning for  _ that _ road to  _ that _ house, no longer inhabited by  _ that _ girl, and Toni had found herself cradled in Veronica’s arms all night as she cried, her heartbreak seeming rawer than ever. 

And just over a year later, here she still was, still holding Toni on the bad days, still pulling her from painful spirals thanks to a sudden reminder of the woman that broke her. In all honesty, Toni would more than likely call her later.

Except she’s certain that by now Veronica, and the others - Kevin, Sweet Pea, Fangs and Reggie had all found their way back to Riverdale at varying times - were all tired of hearing about Cheryl, of hearing about the woman who Toni’s heart could not let go of. 

But then again, if they were, none of them had ever said as much. 

She’s lost count of the amount of times she’s found herself drowning her sorrows at La Bonne Nuit, Veronica keeping her glass filled and the boys making sure she had company whilst ensuring she wasn’t bothered by strangers looking for a hookup. She can still remember Reggie, of all people, offering to go with her to the Bijou after she’d mentioned wanting to see a film playing there, all of them knowing she wasn’t quite sure she had the inner strength to return there by herself. Not considering how much significance it held within her and Cheryl’s relationship.

Toni’s pretty sure they all must be tired of having to tiptoe around certain conversations, and outright avoiding other ones. She’s more than aware of the sympathetic glances sent her way after she makes a comment of particularly dry humour regarding everything. Toni knows they’ve spoken about her privately between them on more than one occasion, all of them worried for her and concerned that perhaps the cherry shaped imprint on her heart was one that was going to last a lifetime. 

Toni’s convinced that they must be tired of hearing about how much she misses Cheryl.

Not that she ever says it so outright of course, but they all know her well enough to know the implications and allusions of the comments she makes. And yes okay, it’s not like Toni’s always bringing it up, in fact it’s rare that she does, she’s hoping that the sentiment of ‘if you ignore it, it’ll go away’ applies to heartbreak too.

But sometimes she finds herself slipping. 

Sometimes she makes that comment or joke before her brain has even really registered she’s doing it, and then suddenly she’s catapulted right back into the middle of her pain with the universe reminding her that heartbreak is something that demands to be felt. 

And oh does it  _ hurt. _

That the realisation that the fleeting moment she got to feel,  _ that _ one word,  _ those _ two syllables,  _ those _ six letters, is over now.

And it really fucking hurts.

They’ve all been so supportive and Toni’s so thankful to them, but sometimes all it does is remind her that, even to this day, they have no idea who Cheryl Blossom actually is. Or at least  _ was. _

They didn’t get to see the Cheryl that Toni did. 

They didn’t know  _ her Cheryl. _

Veronica even went as far as to once try and remind her of what the redhead was like before Toni had entered her life, however all it did was serve as a stark remembrance that not only did none of them know Cheryl the way that she did, but also of all that she and Cheryl had meant for each other, all they’d given to each other. 

No, the others had no idea of the real Cheryl, the one that only she got to bare witness to. They didn’t know of the sweet Cheryl, who’d bring her flowers for no other reason than she knew it made Toni smile. They didn’t know the Cheryl who’d stayed up for hours holding her after a nightmare or a particularly vulnerable conversation. They had no knowledge of the Cheryl that lay hidden under her masquerade of perfection. But Toni did.

_ Had. _

Toni had gotten to know that Cheryl bit by bit, layer by layer of her soul being revealed slowly but surely, until even the darkest parts of her came to light.

The others had no awareness of the Cheryl that Toni knew. No awareness of their tender moments, filled with stolen kisses against foreheads and delicate traces of fingers over soft skin. They had no knowledge of the hushed murmurs of the significance Toni had been implored to believe she held to the redhead. Of all that Toni had brought into her life. They weren’t to know of the promises of their future hidden behind comments of ‘one day’ and ‘when we’re older.’ 

No, the others saw the Cheryl Blossom they’d always been allowed to see. 

They saw the facade that the redhead had spent years perfecting, the flawless mask adorned to conceal her truth. 

And yes, Cheryl may have slowly allowed that mask to slip little by little around the others once Toni had entered her life. She may have allowed a specific few of them into certain previously unchartered territory within her heart, but it was nothing in comparison to what Toni got to see. 

Toni saw Cheryl with her soul laid bare, with her heart wide open and tears rolling down her cheeks, uttering truths she’d concealed alone for far too long. Toni saw the broken pieces of Cheryl that no other was allowed to even know existed, and it was Toni who slowly but surely helped her to put them back together.

And in turn Cheryl had done the same for her. She’d not only provided her with so much that Toni had never known before, but she’d told her that she  _ deserved _ it. 

Cheryl had sworn to her that she deserved this happiness, that she deserved to feel valued and worthy of the love she received. And Toni had, she had believed the promises whispered to her whilst laid on silk sheets as pale fingers trailed through her pink locks. The implores that she was more than, that she was deserving. 

One word.

Two syllables.

Six letters.

The promise that, finally, she was _enough._

Toni had believed that the images of their future together would become reality, that the hushed promises and whispered dreams for them would be the features of their one day. She’d been desperately yearning for the life that they’d painted for themselves throughout cherished moments together. 

The one day with lazy Saturday mornings and kisses when they arrive home from work. The one day where Toni finally manages to convince Cheryl to get a dog despite her years of protesting, because they both know she can never truly say no to Toni. The one day where they wine and dine each other with fancy dinners to celebrate promotions and adventure to see the parts of the world they’d always wanted to explore. The one day where they say ‘I do’ and hopefully hear the pitter patter of tiny feet running along the floor. 

The one day where they grew old together, spending their days reminiscing on how they’re so fortunate to have found their person and looking back on their years together, smiling at all they’d done since being highschool sweethearts all those years ago. 

The one day where their love was considered one for the ages and others dreamed of having a connection even half as special as theirs.

But whilst these thoughts flow through her mind as freely as the tears down her cheeks, Toni’s reminded that it has all changed now. 

That the one day she and Cheryl had dreamed of would never be more than that. 

A dream. 

Her one day had been forced to be changed, for Cheryl was no longer a part of it. 

Cheryl who, ever since she’d sauntered into her life in those cherry red Louboutins with fiery red locks and  _ that _ cherry red smile, had featured in a myriad of her dreams. 

Not all, but most.

And even then, the dreams that weren’t necessarily ones regarding her still featured her. Toni’s career dreams for example, yes they had never revolved around Cheryl, but she’d still been there. Although thoughts such as coming home to celebrate promotions and successes with the woman she hoped to call her wife were long over now.

Sometimes Toni finds herself still wondering, still curious as to what a life alongside Cheryl Blossom could have entailed. 

As she drives through the Riverdale suburbs, far away from  _ that _ turning for  _ that _ road leading towards  _ that _ house, no longer inhabited by  _ that _ woman, Toni finds those thoughts creeping back into her mind. 

Would her and Cheryl have lived in a home akin to the ones she was passing now? Would they have had a white picket fence? She laughs, probably not, way to cliche for either of them, and Cheryl would absolutely have made some comment about living with the riff raff. No they’d be living in some swanky penthouse apartment in NYC or Chicago or some other big city, making their lives amongst the hustle and bustle. 

Toni likes to think she’d have managed to convince Cheryl to get that dog though. 

As Toni thinks of  _ that _ turning for  _ that _ road leading towards  _ that _ house, she wonders what it would be like to drive down it once again. To drive home to Cheryl. To drive home to the woman who owns her heart.

And yes okay, they hadn’t been perfect, but they’d been them. 

They’d been this cacophony of raw, unfiltered, unrefined explosions of passion and emotions and feelings. 

They hadn’t been perfect, but they’d been them, and it had been enough. 

_ Toni _ had been enough. 

Until she wasn’t. 

Until Cheryl had decided that loving Toni was no longer something she could do.

And it hurt.

It  _ really fucking hurt. _

It hurt because for a split second, Toni had thought that one word, those two syllables, those six letters were something she could finally believe herself to be. 

She’d thought that for once, maybe, just maybe, someone would pick her. That after all these years, after all they’d endured together at the hands of this  _ god awful _ town, she would be enough to be the one that was chosen. 

Because she’d always choose Cheryl.

She’d never had someone before that held this much meaning, this much significance, she’d never felt this way about anyone before, and as a result, there was nothing Toni wouldn’t do for Cheryl. Both they and everyone else knew it. 

Toni would willingly stride into battle, even a losing one, for Cheryl. She would gladly sell her soul to the devil for that girl, give every shred of herself, every aspect of her being to the person that had lulled her into that sense of worth, of love, of being  _ enough. _

And she  _ had. _

_ So many times. _

But then came the stark reminder that Toni couldn’t say that Cheryl afforded her the same. And she should have seen all this coming really, because there hadn’t been anyone in her life thus far that had ever gifted her with that notion. No, there was always someone more. Someone more important, more cherished, more deserving, more valued, more worthy.

Someone who was  _ enough. _

And that person was never Toni. 

Toni’s never felt the same way about anyone as she had,  _ does, _ Cheryl Blossom. The redhead had given her everything she’d spent her life searching for,  _ yearning for. _ She’d given her a home, and not just some house in which to live, but a home with warmth and comfort and actual hot water, and  _ someone to come home to _ at the end of the day. She’d given her things that no other had, nurture and comfort, safety and laughter. Cheryl had shown her what it was to be wanted, to be cared for, to have someone looking out for her for no other reason than that they wanted to. 

Cheryl had given her everything that no one else ever had, and then she’d ripped it all away from her and torn Toni’s heart to shreds in the process. 

Toni had had it all, and now she had nothing. 

And god she yearned to be that one word, those two syllables, those six letters. 

She  _ craved _ it. 

Desperate for that one day that she’d grown up dreaming of, for that one day it seemed everyone else was getting to have. She hungered for that forever that had been so cruelly dangled before her. 

The forever she’d once been promised by Cheryl. 

And she had thought she’d found it all, thought the universe had finally allowed for something to be done right by her. 

But no, it had all come crashing down, just like everything always does eventually.

But in spite of everything, she still found herself hoping for it all. 

Despite her sheer disbelief that she ever would be,  _ could be, _ enough, Toni still found herself holding out hope that maybe, perhaps, even in spite of the worry that it was her cruel fate to never quite be, maybe she could be enough. That maybe one day she might get the chance to try and be once again.

But right now? Driving alone through the winding streets of Riverdale that held so many fragments of her painful past. God, right now it all seemed so far away. 

It seemed like the one day she dreamed of was never coming. That the promises she’d whispered to herself in the dark after a beating under her Uncle’s hand were never going to be kept. That the dreams she envisioned for herself would never be fulfilled. It seemed like perhaps the universe was right.

One word. 

Two syllables. 

Six letters. 

Fuck Disney, and fuck the stars. Whoever said wishing upon a star made your dreams come true could go to hell. 

She’d wished on countless stars throughout her lifetime, and fucking look at her now, still heartbroken over the woman who crushed her soul and left her behind.

And it hurts.

And it’s not to say that Toni isn’t going places. 

It’s not all to say that she hasn’t got a good job and isn’t surrounded by loving people that were important to her around her. Because she does. She’s got her degree, her career path is laid out before her, her journey down it only just beginning. 

She has V and the boys, and friends from work, and she knows the kids she works with all look to her as a big sister figure. She lives in a nice home, one that baby Toni always fantasized about living in. She’s even become Serpent Queen of all things, taking over whilst she’s back in town, her family legacy and birthright, it seems, fulfilled after all.

And she’s done it all herself. 

And she’s damn proud of herself for doing as such. 

It’s just, she’s done it all  _ by _ herself, and she simply can’t ignore the big empty space in her life. 

The one where Cheryl was supposed to be.

The one where Cheryl  _ used  _ to be. 

And if she’s honest, it’s been really damn hard.

And it really,  _ really fucking hurts. _

Each of Toni’s days was a battle in the war that is life. Each day she fights against something or other standing across from her on the battlefield, be it doubt or insecurities, a shitty situation or life issue, anxiety or lingering unwanted thoughts. Sometimes there’s more than one battle a day, but each time she sighs and walks onto the battlefield of her mind anyway. Fighting no matter how tired she is, because, to put it plainly, there’s simply no other option. 

If she didn’t fight her battles then the war would be lost to the demons littered through her life.

If she didn’t drag herself into the onslaught then it would encompass her anyway.

For if Toni didn’t fight for herself, who would?

She felt so  _ lost. _

Stumbling around in the darkness trying to make sense of it all. No home, no family, no one to quell the yearning of her heart. 

She had nothing, no one, no place.

And yes okay she had V and the boys, and she had a house and a job and all that, and yes  _ factually speaking _ she wasn’t alone, but fuck she felt it. 

She felt like she was standing alone on the battlefield of life facing a seemingly endless ever advancing onslaught of demons. Throwing herself into the fray time and time again, facing a war that had no end, defenceless and alone.

Not only was her heart left without the person it called out to, but she was the last Topaz now. Her grandfather passing away during her second year at NYU had left a large chunk of her heart departed from this world along with him. 

Toni was someone that needed people around her, craved human connection. And yes growing up she hadn’t had much of it granted, not of any sustenance anyway, and then Cheryl had come along and shown her what it was to have a true bond with another soul. 

But she too was gone from Toni’s life. 

Both the person and place she called home were no longer hers to know, and here she was stumbling around in the darkness trying to figure out which path to follow, if there even was a path to follow in the first place.

Toni stands alone on the battlefield of life, that much she was starkly aware of. She didn’t have backup or reinforcements, she didn’t have support on the side. Whatever she faced, she did it alone. 

At one point Cheryl had stood next to her, holding her hand and offering her strength when her own was depleted, and for a fleeting moment Toni had known what it was like not to have to face the world by herself. 

But Cheryl was long gone. 

Toni stands alone once more. 

And somehow there are more demons to fight against than ever before. 

And Toni’s heart aches that as she looks into the onslaught, as she bears witness to her demons charging towards her, some now wear the face and speak the words of the girl who once used to stand beside her.

Cheryl had once stood by her, lifting her up and murmuring promises of forever, but now Toni stands alone. Just as she drives alone through the streets of Riverdale, trying her best to forget about _that_ turning for _that_ road, leading towards _that_ house, now lain empty without the presence of _that_ woman, much like her heart.

As she pulls up to a traffic light, she can’t help but let the red light transport her back to  _ those _ memories of laying next to Cheryl on  _ those _ silk sheets  _ that _ fateful night.  _ That _ iconic soft red glow illuminating the room and highlighting her, then, crush’s features beautifully. Both full of nervous excitement as Cheryl had uttered hushed admittance of her reluctance to invite the others. Both their hearts thumping with adrenaline as they’d leaned towards each other, the feeling of their lips meeting for the first time mere millimetres away. A mutual craving about to be quelled. 

It’d been put to a halt by Penelope and Claudius’s cruel attempts to harm Nanna Rose admittedly, but both Toni and Cheryl had found themselves uncaring in a sense. Their feelings for each other were admitted, and, more importantly, returned. 

It had been the somewhat beginning of everything, that almost kiss. 

As the light changes to green, Toni revs her bike and speeds off. Driving past the homes in which Betty, Jughead and Archie used to live, the car Jughead had driven at the drag race all those years ago gathering dust in the garage. 

She can’t help the image of the first time she’d laid her eyes on Cheryl from flitting through her mind. Perched nonchalantly on the hood of some northsiders car as if she’d owned the very land they all stood on, rather than being there purely for entertainment and lack of anything better to do. Then again, she probably did own it, or her family did at least. 

And fuck, she’d looked so goddamn beautiful, as if she’d stepped foot directly from the pages of some fancy magazine, sauntering up to her and taking over Toni’s honours with but a comanding smirk. 

And Toni had let her, because, if she’s quite honest, not only was she kinda impressed by this girl’s sheer  _ audacity, _ but her confident aura, her beauty, the way she’d flipped those red locks over her shoulder, well, it’d all sent Toni into a rather sizable gay panic.

Toni can still remember that 4th of July, cozied up with Cheryl under blankets in the Andrew’s yard watching the fireworks. She can still hear the redhead’s gasps of wonderment, still see the lights illuminating her skin in bursts of colour, still feel her pale hand over her own as they’d shared sparklers. It all seems like lifetimes away, and in a sense it was. It was a different life, a different Toni. For she’d not the same girl as she was back then, and nor, she supposes, is Cheryl. 

But even still, time hasn’t quite managed to heal this wound yet. For as Toni speeds past the places she and Cheryl used to go to, she remembers how she’d found herself unable to frequent them for a long time after her return to Riverdale. Even now as she drives past the Bijou she still feels a pang in her chest, remembering her nervous excitement and attempts to play it cool when she’d run into Cheryl that fateful night. 

Toni finds herself subconsciously making a left, her mind deciding for her to take the long route home, as if trying to spare her the pain of driving past Pops. Yes she’s been there regularly since coming back here, even if it took longer than she’d ever admit to anyone to do so. 

But in certain moments of heartache, Toni found herself unable to drive past certain places they used to go to.

It was just too painful. 

Both the diner and the speakeasy underneath it held too many cherished memories for it to do anything other than serve as a stark reminder of all that had been ripped from her. They’d had their own booth her and Cheryl, once upon a yesteryear, their own special spot that was theirs and theirs alone to sit thigh to thigh, giggling about their days and people watch the other patrons. 

And then there was  _ that _ spot at the counter that had the crack in Toni’s heart fracturing that little bit more every time she laid her eyes upon it. 

_ That _ spot,  _ those _ two chairs.

The place in which Cheryl Blossom had bared her soul, her truth, for the very first time.  _ That _ place where she’d learnt of the true pain harrowing the redhead’s heart, the feelings she was forced to quell and the repercussions of such.  _ That _ space, one that meant nothing to any normal passerby, but meant  _ everything _ to those two girls. 

One never truly forgets the place where they utter the truths of their heart, where they speak words never dared before murmered, and one never forgets being a part of someone revealing such truth. 

Toni couldn’t step foot in the diner without feeling  _ her _ presence, without her heart reaching out to  _ their _ spot, without her eyes finding themselves drawn to  _ their _ booth. She couldn’t even see a strawberry milkshake without feeling an ache in her chest. Two milkshakes -  _ one strawberry, one chocolate _ \- and fries, to share of course. It’s an order she knows like the back of her hand, not that it’s difficult to remember granted, but it was  _ their _ order. 

Toni thinks of the speakeasy, of where she and Cheryl had spent many a night with their bodies pressed together, dancing to the thrum of the base reverberating from the walls. She casts her mind over moments of tasting cherry liquor on plump lips, of pale hands resting on her waist as they moved to the pulsing beat surrounded by others looking to dance away their troubles for but a night. 

Back when Cheryl had whispered promises of  _ that _ word, her breath hot against the skin of Toni’s neck as her voice sung into her ears like the melody of an old folk song passed through the ages.

One word. 

Two Syllables. 

Six letters.

Back when she’d been  _ enough. _

As she drives through the back roads of Riverdale, Toni sighs heavily. She wishes she could move on from all this, wishes she could forget everything so her heart would stop yearning. Well, no, perhaps not  _ forget, _ per se. 

She doesn’t want to ever forget the memories she’s made with Cheryl, she just wants them to not make her heart feel like it’s being torn to shreds everytime they surface. She just wishes that time would do its job and heal the damage caused. She wants to be able to look back at her relationship with Cheryl and not feel this torment, this gut wrenching  _ anguish _ everytime she remembers that she wasn’t enough for her. 

That she wasn’t important enough to Cheryl to want her in the new life she desired to build. That Cheryl didn’t want the responsibility of a relationship, of  _ her, _ whilst she became this new person.

Toni still loves Cheryl. 

And it hurts.

She still fucking loves Cheryl Blossom and gosh she wishes she didn’t. 

She wishes she’d found a way to undo the hold she has on her heart, that she’d found a way to let go of the pain Cheryl caused her. More than anything Toni wishes she could get over Cheryl, that she could move on from the implications of her words. She wishes she could remove the icy dagger stabbed deep within her heart, the one that twisted painfully as cherry red lips and fiery locks flitted through her thoughts. 

Toni wishes more than anything that she could do all these things.

But she can’t. 

Because she still fucking loves Cheryl Blossom. 

She still loves the girl that decided she wasn’t enough.

And there’s absolutely fucking nothing she can do about it. 

And it  _ really fucking hurts. _

It doesn’t help that reminders of both her relationship, and the girl herself, are scattered all over this town. Places they hung out together, their date spots, places on the Southside she’d taken her to, fuck even the nail place Toni once spent hours waiting outside of for Cheryl to finish getting her talons done. She was all over this town. Sometimes Toni swears that she can still see long red locks reflected in windows, still smell the signature scent of cherries and channel wafting past her as she heads down sidewalks once wandered by them, hand in hand.

God she still swears she can hear Cheryl’s laugh echoing amongst the traffic. That burst of melodic joy. A harmonious giggle prettier than any song. 

She’d loved Cheryl’s laugh. 

To hear it was rare admittedly, but when she did, the phrase  _ music to her ears _ comes to mind.

Cheryl was everywhere, even in the places Toni least expected her presence to still linger. The thought of her hair springs to mind and how, even now, when she dyed it she’s transported back to the Thistlehouse bathroom with the memory of Cheryl watching her in wonderment as she’d dyed it, and Toni once again feels tears building. 

It was like the girl had somehow taken hold of every part of her and wormed her way into even the smallest parts of her being. It was something that before would have made her smile, made her happy to think about how much they shared, but now, now it just served as a stark reminder of all that she’d lost.

Now, it just served to remind her that the town of Riverdale had acquired a new Blossom ghost. That whilst her presence was still felt here, still haunting Toni even after all this time, Cheryl, at least the one she’d known, was long gone. 

No, Toni didn’t get to have Cheryl in her life anymore, because Cheryl had decided that she didn’t want Toni in hers. That she wasn’t  _ enough _ to be. 

One word.

Two syllables.

Six letters.

And god it made her feel so small. It made her feel like this tiny insignificant speck of nothingness, this minuscule blip amounting to nothing, meaning nothing,  _ worthy of nothing. _ And gosh she hoped it wasn’t true. 

Toni was desperate to believe that she was more than some insignificant speck of the earth. She yearned to feel like she had worth, she had importance, that she was  _ something. _

Fuck she so desperately  _ craved _ the feeling of being something,  _ anything, _ of being important, of being worthy, of being  _ enough. _

Enough for someone. 

Enough to make herself known in this world. 

Enough to make something of herself and  _ be _ someone. 

Enough to be wanted in other people’s lives. 

Enough to be seen as having value and importance and having worth purely because she was Toni, she was herself and that was all she needed to be. 

That she was simply  _ enough. _

Except there was nothing  _ simple _ about any of it.

Toni craved praise, yearned for recognition, desired acknowledgement. Not for some reason of bravado or superiority. Not for the ability to brag or radiate this aura of being owed respect and power.

No, Toni purely desired the fleeting feeling of being seen. Of her actions or words being sufficient to give her the ability to be considered valuable, if but just for a moment. 

She was constantly saying to her friends of how she was always there for them, that there was nothing she wouldn’t do for them, to help or give advice, or do anything for. And not for some weird disingenuous self-aggrandising reason, not because she wanted people to look at her and think how great she was, no, Toni was just desperate to prove to others that she was worth keeping around. 

She yearned for others to see something in her they deemed a quality sufficient enough to make her worthy of meaning something to them, of having a place in their lives. 

And yes okay, maybe there was some sense of selfishness in it, because she can’t deny the feeling of pure elation she felt when someone asked her for something. She can’t deny the way her heart soars at the feeling of being deemed worthy by someone to offer her services, of being _chosen,_ _of being enough._

One word.

Two syllables.

Six letters.

A word that, all her life, Toni had been made to feel time and time again that she wasn’t worthy of being seen as. 

It hurt.

And she was just so fucking tired of it. 

She was tired of feeling her heart crack every time she cast her mind over all that the universe had deemed her unworthy of knowing. Loving parents, or family in general. A nurturing, safe place to grow up in. Leadership of the Serpents, even in spite of the fact it’s her birthright, only having it now all these years later because there was no one deemed better. 

And now, Cheryl Blossom was yet another thing that the world had decided she was unworthy of having in her life. 

And it really fucking hurt. 

She didn’t want a life of excessive grandeur, of fame and glory, of unlimited riches and all materialistic aspects the world had to offer. Yes okay it would be pretty sweet she can’t deny, but when it comes down to it, when things are stripped back to their bare bones, in actuality all Toni wants is to be  _ wanted. _

To be content, happy. 

To live a life surrounded by people that saw her as something, saw her as having worth and value for no reason other than being her.

Saw her as being  _ enough. _

And she’d tasted it. 

She’d had the taste of that life once, of being enough. 

She’d had it teasingly dripped on her lips as she stretched to drink from the cup once thought to be in her grasp before having it all ripped away from her, leaving her mouth barren and dry, craving the taste of something she was unsure she’d ever know again. 

And maybe she’s being all dramatic. 

Maybe it seems like some spiral of melancholy pessimism. She’s sure if Jughead could hear her thoughts he’d make some comment about her sounding like a narcissistic cynic, wallowing in a bottomless pit of self enabled sorrow. 

Perhaps yes, it all sounds a bit destructive and defeatist, perhaps she was fueling her own self sabotage, but it didn’t feel like it. 

It didn’t feel like this was some overanalyzed, bleak rendering of events, it felt real, felt just. The anguish in her heart was begging to be felt, her emotions clawing at her from the inside, screaming at her to listen, to acknowledge that she’d been dealt a really fucking raw deal, and that it hurt.

That it really fucking  _ hurt. _

It still hurt years later and Toni was certain that it would hurt for years to come. 

Hopefully it would hurt less, hopefully this anguish and torment cascading through her right now would eventually numb to a fleeting jolt every once in a blue moon. But right now, it was all still raw. Still an open wound her heart was desperately trying to heal. The demons festering in the darkest parts of her mind still echoed the words and their implications from that fateful night, still tormented her with cherry red lips and fiery red locks.

Cheryl had brought about the end of them years ago, and yet every time she was reminded of her first love, the pain felt as fresh as when the wound was first created. Sorrow ebbed and flowed through her veins. Torment swirled around her lungs with every intake of breath. Agony heaved through her heart with every beat. 

Toni knows that there’s no reprise for them. 

She knows they’re through. 

For good.

She knows that the epic love story of her and Cheryl was seemingly not one for the ages. But how could it be? 

Not only is this  _ new _ Cheryl happy with her  _ new _ life, but Toni knows that even were she not, even were there to be a new page turned in the story of  _ them. _ Even should the stars align and the fates play a hand, they could never be a  _ them _ again. 

Because how could they be? 

How would Toni ever be able to erase Cheryl’s words from her mind? Remove the cruel allusions and implications from her doubts? How, were Cheryl ever to find her way back to her, how would she ever be able to eradicate the knowledge that she’d been deemed unworthy by the Blossoms' own hand?

Were their ship to ever set sail again, Toni knows it would only be a matter of time before the inevitable happened. Until the cracks began to form and her doubts and fears, her insecurities and  _ memories _ of Cheryl’s words cascaded in and dragged them down to the depths.

No, as much as it makes her want to scream and cry and yell to the sky that it wasn’t  _ fucking fair. _ As much as it hurts her heart to know, her and Cheryl were really, truly through.

One word. 

Two Syllables. 

Six letters.

Her and Cheryl would never be a them again, and Toni would spend the rest of her life always wondering why she’d stopped being enough. 

But god, she still fucking loved Cheryl.

She thinks a part of her always will. She thinks that the cherry imprint on her heart will always have its place, even if one day it fades and perhaps a new imprint might find a place next to it, it’ll still be there.

Toni’s pretty sure that her memories of Cheryl will never truly leave her. That in years to come she’ll see something, something that holds significance only to her, only to  _ them, _ perhaps a can of  _ that _ drink, or hear  _ that _ song, and she’ll be transported back to her time with Cheryl.

And if she’s honest, she hopes for it. She just hopes that the pain residing within her has long dissipated by then.

That perhaps in years to come, she can cast her mind back over that cherry imprint on her heart, and she can find something other than this burning anguish. 

Perhaps one day when she thought of them, it wouldn’t  _ hurt. _

Because she didn’t  _ want _ to feel this way towards her first love. She didn’t  _ want _ the memories of her to be tainted by  _ those _ words, uttered to her late  _ that _ fateful night.

No, she wanted to remember the good.

Because they had been. Her and Cheryl.

They’d been really fucking good. 

Her and Cheryl, they’d been a love that burned brightly and beautifully, warming Toni’s heart, her  _ soul. _

But right now, right now it hurts.

Right now whenever a thought of the girl who’d stolen her heart drifts through her mind, Toni can’t help that one word seeping in along with her. 

She can’t stop those two syllables from infiltrating her memories. 

She can't prevent those six letters from tainting everything.

Because right now, everything was overridden by the fact that Cheryl had decided she wasn’t  _ enough. _

Right now, it  _ really fucking hurt. _

They’d been so good. 

_ Sensational. _

And then Cheryl had dropped an icy bombshell extinguishing it all with no hope of resurrection, and Toni’s heart had been left nothing more than a pile of smouldering ash, hollowed and empty and forever yearning to once more know the feeling of Cheryl’s love. Embers, desperate to reignite the fire that only Cheryl could stoke. Craving the feeling that she knew only Cheryl could provide. 

Pining after a woman that was lost to her forevermore.

Cheryl had broken her, of that much she was starkly aware, and yes she knows that Cheryl’s ending of them was a permanent one, but it didn’t mean that Toni didn’t still love her. 

Because she did. 

She really fucking loves Cheryl Blossom.

It’s just, she wishes she didn’t, not anymore.

Toni know’s they hadn’t been perfect.

She knows that there were issues. 

She’s more than aware of the things between them that had been of a more questionable, less healthy nature, woven complexly between the layers of good.

Toni hasn’t forgotten how she’d slipped down the list of Cheryl’s priorities long before the redhead had broken her heart. And there had always been that slight feeling in her chest, a niggle of doubt, that perhaps Cheryl wasn’t quite as enamoured with Toni as she was her. 

That perhaps whilst Toni was giving her  _ everything _ to Cheryl, the redhead was only giving Toni her  _ most. _

Toni knows that she’d lost herself in the woman who’d claimed her heart, that perhaps there were pieces of her being overcome by their relationship that in actuality should have remained hers. She’s starkly aware that she forgave and brushed many things under the proverbial rug that shouldn’t have been around to sweep up in the first place. 

_ Jason’s rotting corpse in the basement for one.  _

_ That fucking doll for another. _

Toni knows that when she says she gave her all to Cheryl, she truly does mean it. 

And perhaps that was it. 

Perhaps why there was this lingering ache, this hollow feeling resting inside her soul. She’d given all of herself to Cheryl Blossom, and she’s pretty sure that when she’d walked out of her life, she’d taken a great deal of Toni with her.

Not only had Toni lost things such as the place she used to call her home and Nanna Rose who she’d come to consider family of her own, but Toni had also lost the parts of her that she’d given to Cheryl. She’d lost aspects of her own self and once the Blossom had made a swift exit from her life, Toni had been left scrambling to try and put herself together again with but only half the pieces. 

But amongst it all there’d been so much good. So many moments to cherish. So much laughter and joy. So much passion and desire. So much nurture and compassion. So much comfort and security.

So much  _ love. _

So yes, they hadn’t been perfect, but fuck they’d been something. 

But that something was over now, and it had been for a long time. And yet Toni’s heart still aches, still  _ craves _ the redhead that waltzed into her life and left a cherry red imprint on it as if it was hers for the taking, 

And Toni supposes it had been really. 

_ She _ had been, really.

She still was.

She always would be.

Cheryl had provided her a sanctuary, a solace to find peace in amongst the sneers of the demons residing within her mind. She’d whispered sweet nothings, that in turn became sweet  _ everythings _ as the hushed murmurs from cherry red lips overcame the words of doubt and insecurity, dissipating them and taking their place. 

Pale hands had soothed over her skin leaving tremors of tenderness and nurture in their wake. 

Plump lips had pressed against her own, against her cheeks, against her forehead, against every expanse of her skin, Cheryl littering them across her body, often using them to convey what couldn’t be spoken, for it demanded to be felt. 

Cheryl had sworn fealty to her, had promised her her worth, her value, had implored Toni to believe that she deserved all that was good in the world. Had earnt her trust, earnt her belief. Cheryl had changed that one word. 

Those two syllables. 

Those six letters. 

Evolving them from something that only brought Toni pain and torment, to show her the other aspect of it. 

To show her the true freedom and beauty in finally feeling enough.

Cheryl had given Toni something no one else ever had.

Made her  _ feel _ like no one else ever had.

And she loved her for it.

She  _ still _ loves her for it.

She’s never felt before how she’d felt with Cheryl Blossom.

She’d never before felt about another soul as she does for Cheryl Blossom’s.

And Toni had thought she’d had felt the same. She’d  _ believed _ her when she’d promised that she did.

But she can’t ignore the ache in her chest as she acknowledges that of the two people that once shared this love, she was the only one still mourning it.

And it hurts.

When people talk about love, they never speak of the fragility of it.

They never speak of how flames of a towering inferno, burning with such intensity and warmth can be extinguished into mere smouldering embers. They never speak of how the smoke, rife with anguish and torment and  _ pain _ infiltrates your lungs, filling the very air and plaguing with desperation and misery. They never speak of how you’re left chasing the feeling of physicalities, how it hurts to know that the warmth once gladly given is now nothing more than an icy ghost of a memory.

They never speak of how something so all encompassing, can leave you feeling so bare. 

How flames that once warmed your heart, illuminated your soul, fuelled your passions and dreams can burn out at a moment's notice. 

Of how you suddenly find yourself standing amongst the charred ruins of what once was.

Standing alone, burnt amongst the cinders.

Surrounded by nothing but ash.

Until even that’s gone too.

God it  _ really fucking hurts. _

Toni was no longer a part of Cheryl’s life, no longer someone that got to know of her touch, got to feel her love, and Cheryl no longer got to feel hers.

But it didn’t mean that it wasn’t still there. Even if Cheryl had moved on.

Even if she’d shoved all thought of them deep down, collecting dust in the proverbial corner of her mind. 

Even if she was okay that Toni Topaz was gone from her life.

Gone from the life Cheryl had promised her she’d always wanted her in. 

A promise sworn to ring true until the very collapse of time.

A promise that had withered and died with the collapse of them.

One word. 

Two syllables. 

Six letters.

_ Enough. _

Something that Toni yearned to be.

Something that Cheryl had sworn she was.

Toni still feels the ghost of  _ that _ ring. The one that once encased her finger, symbolising promises uttered to her in moments of delicate tenderness, and yet now rests in a box collecting dust at the back of the drawer at her bedside. A ring that had once been a representation of promises made, a future dreamed of, of bonds made from love, yet now reduced to a stark reminder of all that’s lost.

All that could have been but never would be.

She’d been enamoured by Cheryl, totally and utterly encaptured by her. And she’d thought that the same feelings of ardent desire, unwavering love that she felt for the girl that owned her heart were ones that were returned. 

Perhaps not. 

No, they were. 

Toni  _ knows _ they were, and why this hurt  _ so fucking much. _

Because she knows that the promises Cheryl had made once rang true. The murmured oaths and sworn feelings had been true to their fullest and deepest meanings. Cheryl had meant every word that she’d said to Toni. 

And then she hadn’t. 

And then something had changed and had Toni found herself no longer the subject of Cheryl’s desires, no longer what her heart called out for. 

No longer  _ enough. _

She’d given Cheryl her all.

Every fibre of her being, every shred of her heart, every aspect of her soul was willingly and gladly given over to their relationship, to them, to  _ her. _

And Cheryl had promised her forever.

Promised Toni that it was enough. 

That  _ she _ was  _ enough. _

And Toni had believed her.

Cheryl had given Toni the feeling she’d been searching for,  _ yearning _ for, her entire life, and then she’d ripped it away from her.

And she can’t forget about her.

Can’t forget about the promises she’d made her.

Not when she drives alone past  _ that _ turning on her way home most days. Not when she’s constantly reminded of driving down  _ that _ road and the feeling of tarmac changing to form  _ that _ driveway leading up to  _ that _ house. Taking her home, taking her to  _ that _ girl.

The one that was once hers.

Cheryl had said forever. She’d  _ promised. _

She’d sworn to Toni, as Toni had her, that she’d always be right there, that she’d never be alone again.

But look at her now, driving through the streets of Riverdale, alone.

As she makes a left, Toni feels her heart jolt painfully as thinks of  _ that _ turning.

She sighs as the tires of her bike move smoothly over the road, as she reminisces  _ that _ unmistakable feeling of tarmac giving way to gravel as  _ that _ road became  _ that _ driveway. 

Pulling up to her own home and turning off the ignition, she thinks of  _ that _ house.

Removes her helmet, shaking out her braids with an errant hope that maybe she could shake away her pain too, maybe she could shake away her craving for  _ that _ girl.

_ That _ girl who had owned her heart. 

Who, in spite of the fact it now laid crushed and shattered beyond repair at the hands of said girl,  _ still _ owned her heart.

Would  _ always _ own it.

_ That _ turning. 

_ That _ road. 

_ That _ driveway. 

_ That _ house.

_ That _ girl.

One word.

Two Syllables.

Six letters.

Cheryl.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Side note, the Serpent fic is coming I swear and the second I have a handle on myself I'll get right on it, you just might have to be patient with me for a little bit.  
> Deal? Sick one.
> 
> Luce


End file.
